Nonsensical Tomfool Ludicrous

I never had a problem when I used NTL for TV, phone and broadband but I did hear some very scary stories about people who did. The words arse and elbow spring to mind...

To Whom it May Concern,


I simply cannot believe this. My mind boggles at the incompetence of you people. I had heard the stories, read the novelty award winning complaint letters doing the rounds on the internet, checked up the online gripe forums, but nothing prepared me for how bad this would actually be. I would urge you first to read the attached letter dated 2nd Aug attached since this will allow me merely to pick up where I thought our relationship terminated rather than slog though the whole story again. I want to do nothing. I want to just stop wasting my time on you and get on with my life but I have a strong suspicion that you’re actually going to start charging me soon, so please treat this letter as my formal cancellation of any deal which you might consider you still have with me.

After the fourth aborted visit on the 22nd August your engineer (a different one this time) made the on-the-spot assessment that since the contractors had failed four time that the job must be impossible (what the hell is possible to you lot? What?). He told us that we couldn’t have ntl installed. I rang ntl later that day to confirm and the woman on the phone told us that we’d been removed from the ‘serviced area list’. She explained that she understood my frustration (she manifestly did not), but that it wasn’t worth it to the company to pursue this. Her exact words were that they had to “watch the bottom line”. I was too stunned to follow this absurdity up at the time, and quite frankly later on I was glad to see the back of the whole sorry farce. As far as I was concerned THAT was the point at which ntl and I parted ways.

And yet the following week we look out of our second story window to see a truck with “on behalf of ntl” emblazoned on it and two of your workshy monkey youths scribbling a trench down into the new tarmac in installments between tea and light rain showers. It took them the whole morning. So of course I rang you again to confirm the cancellation of my installation with you. I was assured that not only was I no longer a customer of ntl, but that there was no trench.

Imagine my surprise (I hope you idiots in Customer Liason will never be able to read those words without thinking back to yet another complaint letter from this utter low point in your sorry careers)… Imagine my surprise when on the second of September I received a phone call from you which began:

“Mr O’Hare, your trench has been installed, I have a new date for your….”

At which point I stopped her and explained the whole thing again, explained that I was now quite happy with my ADSL, explained that an installation date would not be necessary. It’s a credit to whatever mindscraping training you gave her that she sounded somewhat put out at the interruption and primly asked if I’d mind letting her finish giving me the installation details. I was agog. I once again VERY CAREFULLY cancelled any arrangement with ntl. She said that was done.

AND THEN this morning I got this text:

Dear Customer, thanks for your order for Broadband . We will be visiting to install your services on Sep 9 2005 between 8-1. ntl

How the hell do you do it? How is this level of fuckery possible?

By this time I have to say I am taking bets with my friends as to your ability to actually ignore all this and start charging me. I’m sure you’re aware this would be illegal. I think you probably suspect by now that it’s not something I’m going to drop. This letter is (as I should have done last time) going to whatever high management I can find at your folly of a company, OFCOM, and watchdog, and furthermore I’m taking legal advice. I want a letter in response, not a phonecall, and I want a name at the bottom of it.

Mind-blowing ineptitude!

You are utterly incompetent tits, all of you, and you will NEVER get my custom again.